Preparing

My dearest Lans,

We have had a weekend. Preparing for and celebrating your life has brought with it a wave of emotions. One minute we are laughing together over something you did, the next we are trying to scrape ourselves off the floor both ffrom our ache for you and sobbing in gratitude to have been blessed by you. There is so much to write and so much to go through. . . I will have to do it a piece at a time.

Ben asked me and my mom if we would help get you ready for the family viewing. I was of course so honored but was very nervous to see your body. You had had a pneumothorax and I had heard on the night of your passing you were unrecognizable and for this reason they decided against a public viewing.

As we nervously walked into the room to see you, Ben immediately went to your body and held and stroked your face, "Oh mommy, you are so beautiful. You are so beautiful." The air that had been in your face was gone and you were as we remembered you. The entire experience was absolutely remarkable. For me it was so spiritual. Ben said "I know she is not in there, but I feel her here."

I was so happy to remove your bandages for the last time. Your body looked so peaceful. I gave you my dress, you look so much better in it than I do and Ben thought it showed your personality best. We brought your pink scarf, but your hair reminded us of when you were dating Ben so we left it spunky like your personality.

You looked like you were napping. Ben said, "She was always so beautiful. Even when she was at her sickest I always thought she was so gorgeous." What a blessing to all of us to see your body as we remembered you. . . minus that gorgeous smile we could never get enough of.