Meet Erin

Grabbed another pic today because Caden was here too. The whole crew:
Hi sweet Lans, I FINALLY met Erin today. Since my loser buns couldn't seem to get out there, I was thrilled when Ben said she was picking up the boys today. And Lans, I give her a HUGE seal of approval. A big ol' standing O [vation]. The boys go right to her and love on her and she loves them right back.

I am so thankful this worked out. She was telling me all about how she ended up at your place. . . it does not seem to be an accident. She's helpful and kind and I don't ache for Ben as much when I send him home at the end of the night as there is someone warm and helpful at home.

So Lans, meet Erin. Her oldest son was at home but this is Blaze who clearly just enjoyed a bright red popsicle. . . oh yes, she knows a few things about boys ;] So cute. Matthew and Blaze hit it off really well. And good news, she is going to send me sweet pics she gets of the boys so I don't miss anything good.
Prayers are answered.

Lunch buffet

Well Lans, I'm a little late posting this one. After fundraisers, donatins, Christmas presents, etc. etc. from your Thunderbird friends, Ben was completely overwhelmed with their kindness. They were truly a bright shining light in his darkest hour.

While reciprocation on their scale seems impossible, Ben wanted so badly to do something nice for them. With a little help from family and friends, he researched recipes, cooked, prepared and delivered a buffet of food to your angelic co-workers.

He said the tortilla soup tasted delicious. He was so proud with how it turned out for them. Deviled eggs, fruit salad, soups, cheese and crackers, veggie trays and I think even some deserts. Such a sweet Bep he is.

Car rides

I am not sure what it is about car rides. . . memories of you flood my memory and I just miss you. Today this song came on and I was a sobbin. I feel you here with us through our ache for you.

Birthday plans. .

Lans with what would-have-been your 34th birthday right around the corner we have been busy making plans to honor you.

The Sunday before your birthday, March 11th, we are going to meet at the park by your house where we used to go with you. We are going to have cake and ice cream, write you notes and attach them to balloons, then release our balloons up to the heavens in your honor. Everyone and anyone who misses you is invited. We will plan for 2:00pm. Miss you always.

Your entertainer and laughter

Lans your mom sent this sweet video of Matthew dancing. This was just a few weeks prior to your diagnosis. Hearing your laughter again makes me smile and ache for you all in one. What a gift your laughter has been to us. You delighted in your boys. . .

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Our angel

Lans, I got this sweet note today with this sweet pic. . .

Hello Becca,

It's Noelle Trinder from BTMC. My cousin is in town who has a son who died in 2006. I was making creating a picture of her and her son and thought of Ilana. I thought you might like a picture for your family too. Know she is watching down on her babies. :)

I have to believe this picture is close to accurate. I know you are watching over them closely. . .

Haircuts

Lans I remember the first time I met you, you were bald as bald could be. I asked you what made you decide to do it and you said you were a little OCD and could never get it "even" enough and so you kept cutting it shorter and shorter and shorter. . . until you were shaving it at one point a few times a day. And you had a pretty head. You weren't too disappointed when you knew the chemo would take your hair because you knew and we knew you would still look H.O.T.

Well not surprisingly, you didn't like it when Matthews hair grew over his ears. Today Lans those little hairs were hanging over and I knew you were watching from above wishing you could take the clippers to them ;].

I remember I gave Andrew his first haircut when you were in the hospital this fall. I was worried you would be sad you missed such an important step in a babies life but your mama reassured me that you were so grateful the boys were being loved and taken care of because you couldn't do it. We're tryin' Lans, it's not hard to love these sweet little boys.

Visiting hours

So your dad emailed me yesterday afternoon. . apparently you got his note and answered back. From your daddy:

Becca, You are not going to believe this I got an absolute sign from Ilana today. I was having lunch in Tucson, after I was done went back to the car looked up at a sign shop and there was the words "I love you Dad, I miss you. I started to cry, but I also felt I connected with her. That was all I could think about the rest of the day in fact I called Pam and Ben right away. Love you too, Arnie

Note from your daddy

Your dad sent this over this morning Lans. My heart breaks for this father who is desperately missing his baby girl. . .

Dear sweet Ilana,
There is not a day or moment that goes by where you are not in it. The pain inside me is so immense and my heart is as heavy as it has been in my entire life. I don't know how I will ever get beyond this, but like in the song "Tears in Heaven" I must be strong and carry on. I desperately want to see you, feel your sweet touch with a big hug, enjoy your laughter, and of course you glowing, magnanimous smile.
Tomorrow is Ground Hog Day and I will be watching one of your all time favorite movies, remember how we always used to kid each other about "hey moron your bus is leaving".
Ilana, no matter what I am doing or thinking you always just seem to pop into my head. On the way to the gym, early in the morning when it is dark and when I am alone you have the strongest presence within me. It seems like I can be fine one minute and balling like a baby the next.
I have tried and I am getting closer and closer to the boys and guess what I got Matthew those little bottles of chocolate milk he likes. Remember how you laughed when I got them for him, but it wasn't a bad idea. Oh my precious Ilana those children have all the love, joy, caring, laughter just like you. They are you and they always will be, forever. Of course Ben will have a big say in all of that and you can ease your mind because he is doing a fabulous job. He loves those boys so much and they love him and always will, until they become teenagers (ha Ha!)
So Ilana every time I think of you I have another memory, and I guess that will have to do for now.

Your loving Dad forever and ever

A moment to remember. . flashback June 17, 2011

Lans, this is one of the last posts I had on my personal blog about your treatment before I started this one for you. . . This truly was the best day. Right about this time last year you were receiving your first round of chemo. The cancer was everywhere in your body and while you rarely complained. . . you were clearly in agony and could barely move. I was blessed with the opportunity of having Thursdays and Fridays with you and the boys during that first several months of chemo. I miss watching reruns of Modern family with you on my couch. I miss talking with you. You were so strong Lans. . so unbelievably brave. Scared to death but determined to win.

So here is the moment we dreamed would last forever:

This picture was snapped just moments after Ilana and Ben heard that the pet scan showed no sign of cancer. It is a moment I will never forget. My brother Ben looked as if the weight of the world was just taken off his shoulders. He was holding baby Andrew and looking at Matthew, "These bubbies need their mama." Words can not adequately express my feelings.

Thunderbird memories. ..

I drove by Thunderbird hospital this weekend Lans and memories of you came to my mind. I remember visiting you there when both your sweet boys were born. I remember you and Ben coming down the road together after he picked you up there from work in your cute little scrubs. I miss you sitting in your passenger seat Lans.

The memory sent me searching through my digital archives for these pics of when Matthew was born. And I was so happy when I found a short but sweet video of admiring your sweet little boy.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Help found

When we had that family meeting to coordinate schedules, rules, etc we were all offering suggestions and Ben kept saying, "I just need to figure this out myself. I need to find someone to move in that can help." The thought scared us - what if the female Ted Bundy moved in?

I am happy to report that we worried in vain. After several interviews and a few fall-throughs, Ben got a call from a childhood friend that she had someone. Ben met with Erin shortly after. Erin is a single mom of a nine year old and three year old. I haven't had the chance to meet her yet, but the mama's and Ben are thrilled with her.

She told my mom that three people from church had told her about Ben and then later on that day our friend had called her. She didn't live too close to us and so I have to think that you were up there orchestrating some of this. It gives all these kiddos involved a good sense of family life and Ben has been able to catch up on life.

She has even been extra helpful in potty training your sweet little Matthew. . yep, you hear me POTTY TRAINED. He's a pro Lans - just a few days and he's doing GREAT.

I am impressed with your husband Lans, he's doing a good job with these boys. I am sure you are up there thinking, "Wow, I didn't know he could do THAT." And this little Matthew is kissing his "terrible twos" behind. He has been so sweet. . .better about sharing, no more biting, loving on Andrew and even POOPING ON THE POT. YEAHHHHH

One year ago. . .

Lans just got this email from your mom. . .

Hi Becca: It was 1 year ago today that Ilana was diagnosed. Little did we know then that we were in for the roller coaster ride of our life. That afternoon when Ilana, Ben and I all heard the word "lymphoma" for the first time in her doctor's office we were all taken back. We didn't know what to say. That was the last thing we thought she had. After our initial shock and sharing the news with the family, somehow we regrouped and took on the attitude that we were going to beat this dreaded disease. If it wasn't for the amazing support we have had from both families I'm not sure if we could of stayed so positive through the ups and downs. Over this last year on days when Ilana felt good we had such great times just being together. It didn't matter whether it was having a cup of coffee together in the morning or taking the boys to the park. Even silly things like catching an episode of Oprah or Dr. Phil, I didn't mind it because Ilana made it fun. She loved doing the everyday things the most. Even doing laundry grocery shopping was fun when she was there.
Looking back at this last year, I don't know how we could of gotten through if it wasn't for the amazing support we had from Ben and his family and all of Ilana's family and friends. I can't find the words to describe the impact of the wonderful love and support that everyone gave so graciously and freely. I will never forget that as long as I live.
I know Ilana is up there in heaven looking over us everyday. I feel her presence everywhere I go. I can still hear her fabulous laugh and see that beautiful smile.

I was holding Andrew when my mom called me sobbing with the news one year ago . . . what a hard day. And it's hard looking back knowing our worst fears came true. But what a blessing that year was to us. So thankful we got to talk to you almost every day and visit with you so much. . . to show you we would do whatever it takes and that we would love you forever.