I was talking to my mom about you this last weekend about how much we love you. I heard a story once where a Sunday school teacher asked the class [most likely to teach the class about repentance or the atonement] "who in here is perfect?" A husband stood up and said, "I'm standing proxy for my wife's first husband who died."

I know so often we immortalize people when the pass on and try to focus on their great qualities. The crazy thing about you is that we ALWAYS thought you were an angel. There was rarely a visit with Ben where we didn't tell him that "he scored." Not once where I thought you could give more or love harder than you were. Always inspiring, always loving, always improving, always working hard. You truly were just THAT special... and we always knew it.

Thanks for teaching us in your short life how to live. If we come here to learn something, then it is no wonder your life was short. My dad said it best, "attributes people spend a life time trying to develop, Lana came with." Not a day goes by Lans that I don't miss you so much.

Boys will be boys. .

Lans I love having your little ones over. My Jacob aka J-Bo lights up when he hears the knock at the door and he and Matthew are peas and carrots. I'm in heaven in a sea full of ankle-biting boys. . .except when they all decide to poop before 9:30am to which I exclaim, "You have met your quota for the day. NO MORE POOPS" They think it is funny when I say "poop" of course and giggle like crazy.
The boys were sick for what seemed like months. . . but I haven't wiped a nose yet this morning. YIPEEEEE. .

I made chili for dinner last week and came outside to discover my Jacob and Aaron with Matthew flinging it all over the trampoline and roaring with laughter. Stinkers.

Andrew hasn't caught on to saying "CHeeese" yet, he just likes to eat it.
They are doing well Lans. They are happy and well fed and a delight to all of us. After lunch I said to Andew, "Allll done." He said, "All done" several times in a row. Go AN-JUICE. And I was wrong about the eight teeth- he had some molars hiding in back - 11 teeth on this sweet baby.

Walking. . Almost

Lans, I took the boys to McDo's this morning. Mr. Andrew started pushing / walking this highchair all over the restaurant. I said to my friend, "She should be here. . ." and then started crying. What fun company I am huh? It's hard not to miss you when I see these little boys hitting new milestones without you. You would be so excited and so proud of them. He's almost walking Lans. . . hard to believe he couldn't sit up when you went in the hospital.

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And he's babbling his mama's and dada's. Crawling everywhere. He has 8 teeth now and is off of bottles too. And he's still perfect, that much has not changed.

From your mama

I got this email from your mom today. . .

Hi Becca! I was so missing Ilana the other day just after I had dropped the boys off at your house. Just then I heard a song on the radio that Ilana and I both loved by Tim McGraw. The song is "Live like you were dying". He wrote this song when his father, baseball player Tug McGraw, was dying from lung cancer. In the chorus it goes like this:

He said
"I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying"

Ilana's physicians never gave her the option to "live like you were dying" because they knew dying wasn't an option to her and she wouldn't accept that.

However Ilana always lived her life like the song says.

She was daring to sky dive and mountain climb, etc (like when she auditioned for MTV's "Road Rules" at the age of 19 and was in the top 10 candidates. They did all kinds of crazy stunts. I was so happy when she didn't get chosen!

She loved deeper......always had empathy for the other person and put them first before herself.

Spoke sweeter....she was always sweet even when she didn't feel like it! She also had a gift of being a great mediator in solving problems between other people.

Forgiveness was an unspoken trait of hers......it was just a part of her who she was and she never had to be reminded of it.

Just think how much richer our lives would be if we just incorporated these few simple traits as part of our daily life.

I love you lots!

Pam

as always, MOM IS RIGHT

Christmas love. . .

People told me over and over again to love on Ben and the boys during the holidays. . because the holidays are the toughest. And your passing right before the festivities were to begin. . . You and Ben had big plans to go and get a live tree this year.

Apparently every one else got the memo to love on your boys . . . there was an outpouring of love on your man and little men this year. Ben was near speechless when he came into the store to find a truckload of gifts under the store tree. Grandparents were there Christmas morning to smile and laugh and delight in your little angels. And they were spoiled. They were happy.

Your chubby lump on his little lump with wheels and Matthew loving his new scooter.

bikes, cars, trains, art sets, trucks, clothes, pjs, shoes. . . .these boys are set.

I am sure you were watching with eager anticipation with that gorgeous watermelon smile as they opened each present with screeches of delight. You did everything you could to stay with them and I have to believe you are still with them . . comforting them and loving them.

When you were still at Del Webb before you lost your ability to talk I had asked you what you wanted to get the boys for Christmas. You were pretty practical and said they needed some winter clothes but said you wanted them to have a few stuffed animals. As per your instruction I found them a small Elmo and Cookie monster. Ben gave them to the babies Christmas Day . . .the last gift their mommy picked out for them.

I hope you had fun at the big birthday party too. . Merry Christmas my girl.

Daddy love

Just thinking about you. . . and everyone who adored you.

Jaimee had told me that she talked to your dad just after his birthday. We had just received that horrible news that modern medicine had given up and they were sending you to Hospice. Your sweet daddy took this news so unbelievably hard. He came to visit you shortly after on his birthday. You scribbled on your white board, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD" . His heart melted. He told Jaimee, "there is nothing worth celebrating." But you my dear knew better. . even in pain, your life hanging by a thread you wanted your daddy to know his life was worth celebrating.

He told me the story later wiping tears from his eyes. My goodness we miss you. Every day. . 1000 times a day.

Seeking Help

Rachel asked on your FB account, "Hey Lans, how are things on cloud 9? We miss you on cloud 7."

It's true. While it is finally settling in that you really aren't coming home, we still just miss you so very much. We are getting into routines and Ben is adjusting to life as a single parent. He called me on the way over to drop the boys off elated with his latest morning accomplishment, "I put the boys in the bath first thing and feed them in the bath. The kitchen stays clean, it saves time, they eat better and get their bath. Then all the food just dumps down the drain when I take my shower."

And as always those boys LOVE their daddy. They come with little red rashes on their necks and checks from where Ben has nuzzled and smooched them with his prickly beard.

I am so thankful he has those boys to keep him going and spirits up. Ben is hoping to find someone to move in to help in the evenings and for company - preferably the non-crazy type. Here is what he has in mind:

He has two extra rooms and is hoping to exchange free room and board for extra help in the evenings with the boys and cleaning. Person could easily work a full time job or go to school and could have a child or two.

So Lans, work your magic if you can and send us an angel or if someone reading is interested or has a friend- spread the word.

I remember in May when I came to take candid pics of you guys I found Matthew like this. . .

Ben would help him get messy and you would clean him up.

Ben told me when you were in sick, "You know before Lana was sick I was actually really clean. Ever since she got sick I've just been so messy." Soooo funny. You really had us all fooled that we were awesome, but it was easy to reach high when we were standing on your shoulders.

Almost bald is also beautiful. ..

So I had these pictures I took of us at a family gathering at Jonny and Jaimee's house on March 6, 2011. I remember teasing when I saw you and Ben. Ben wanted to support you so you kind of shaved his head. You liked his hair a little longer so you just did a 3 all the way around. I joked, "What? Why didn't you just take a little off the sides then and call it good?" Cute girl, you laughed with me.

My gorgeous sisters.

I was talking to your mom about how thankful I was for this last year with you. While watching you suffer was gut wrenching, I treasure the many more moments we were able to spend together.

Chemo - Flashback February 27, 2011

Chemo tomorrow. That means we have a rough week ahead. Ben has the flu. Matthew has the flu. And we're going to get through it.

I'm not sure what changed for me: how I went from hoping Lans would make it through this trial to KNOWING she is going to make it through.

Maybe it is phone calls from friends who know someone with Non-Hodgkin lymphoma who is in remission; several real life success stories. Maybe it is the peace that comes through prayer. Maybe it's that she seems to be doing better. She moves a little better, she has a little less pain, she smiles a lot - I can't help but think It's working!!! That horrible, awful chemo is working. It's doing it's job.

She's a survivor. I love her so much. Prayers welcome. Emails, phone calls, comments boost her spirits markedly. Even if you don't know her . . . reach out and tell her she inspires you, that you're praying for her. . . because I know she does and I know you are.

Bald is Beautiful! Flashback February 25,2011

Lans sorry for the repeat video, but I think this video is more complete than the other I posted on here a while ago. Love you my beautiful baldy.

Post from February 25,2011:

Lan's hair started falling out and having hair all over was driving her a bit crazy so she decided to just shave it. Tonight was supposed to be a monumental "Shave- your-head night" where Lans, Ben and Jaimee got buzzed. Ben has the flu and Jonny has 103 temp, so the party cancelled to protect our girl from getting sick. She didn't want to wait, so we shaved it off this afternoon. Isn't she beautiful. I think she is just stunning, an absolutely gorgeous person outside and in.

Here's the buzz:

(the video is a bit long- if you want to cut to the end where she see's it for the first time it is at 4:50 - don't miss that part!)

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Mama - Flashback February 22, 2011

This post if from my blog in February, but the picture was taken in May

I love being a mom. What an honor and privilege it is to raise children. To lead them. To guide them. To love them. My cup runneth over.

I have recently been inspired and reminded by Ilana's mom Pam that motherhood doesn't end at 18 - that our chance to love and lift does not end in those early years. Since Ilana was diagnosed Pam started staying with Ben and Ilana every night. She cleans the house, wakes up with the babies at night, takes Lans to every appointment, calms fears and lifts spirits. She has been by her side emotionally and physically every step on her road to recovery. Lans said she keeps telling her thank you and Pam says, "Will you stop saying thank you?! You make me feel like a guest! We are in this together!" Remarkable. She is a rock.

Prayers - Flashback February 14, 2011

Lauren included in her prayer this morning before breakfast, "Please bless that Aunt Lana can get better. I just love her so much and she loves us. We just want her to feel better."

From the mouth of babes. . . .

My Tumby Points! - Flashback February 9, 2011

I swear that when I make a decision to help someone even if I think it is going to hurt, it never hurts. On the contrary, things go better. I can not count the times I have decided to sacrifice a little to help someone out and it NEVER ends up being a sacrifice. . . often times it has been with monetary things. . . buying food for someone when they are going through a hardship, helping someone raise money through furniture sales and splitting profits, etc - never a sacrifice, ever.

Most recently I decided that I was going to do whatever I could to help Ilana get through this cancer trial and if that meant letting my grades got a bit, so be it. My teacher made a point at the beginning of the semester that if she missed marking a question wrong on our test to keep our mouth shut and not be stupid. Well she handed me my test back today and she missed marking not 1, but 3 questions wrong, so I got a 94 instead of the deserved 88. And a 94 was the highest grade in the class and she feels like someone should get a 100, so she's curving it. 100%. I'm calling them my Tumby points. (Tumby is Ilana's nickname). I am truly honored to NOT be sacrificing at all to be with Ilana every chance I get!!

Gosh dang friggen' Billy Joel - Flashback February 8, 2011

Just thinking of Billy's "Only the good die young".

Let's just get one thing straight . . . no one is dying around here. But just thinking of all of my friends and loved ones who have suffered too young . . . truly incredible people who did/do very good things. How many douche bags do you know that have cancer? My. point. exactly.

Friggen' Billy Joel with his seemingly prophetic knowledge. Well, you're wrong this time Billy. . Ilana's gonna show you just how wrong an eccentric washed up musician can be (exaggeration to make my point, I love you Billy "Piano Man!"). Plus Billy, let's be honest. . . you know you just said that because you wanted to get on that hot Catholic school girl.

I am happy to report Ilana was doing pretty dang well after chemo yesterday. The chemo they gave her tags cancer cells with antibodies and the tumors essentially melt away(if I understand it all right) - relieving some of the tremendous pain from the cancer growth that was in her back and shoulders. Jaimee said she was even up doing the dishes last night. That's my girl!

Lans update - flashback February 4, 2011

Lana has non-hodgkins, stage 4 lymphoma. 70% cure rate.

A few days ago she told my mom that she had never dealt with pain before so maybe she was just not very tough. Little did we know she was walking around with stage four cancer. She is tough as nails. We're going to beat this thing!

Chemo starts Monday. She is in a tremendous amount of pain. Please keep her in your prayers and fasts. Here she is with baby Andrew(7 weeks old) visiting his mama in bed.

Our Lans - Flashback February 1, 2011

Lans, I was going through my personal blog and found several posts from last year on you. We were so optimistic. What was our alternative? We could never imagine life without you. The morning you passed away your mom said, "You know, I still wonder if she can pull through this. If it were anyone else I would probably say no. But if anyone can, it's Ilana." And that's just how we felt. And it was as it was supposed to be- you only wanted to hope and believe.

My blog post from February 1, 2011

Since the birth of baby Andrew my sister-in-law Ilana has been struggling with what we thought was a rocky recovery. Just days after Andrew was born Lans felt like her leg was limp and then within days the same leg had hypersensitivity and pain. The symptoms have worsened to where her entire body is in so much pain she couldn't move and through with a shaky teary voice she told me she "couldn't even pick up Matthew."

Today brought answers . . . and more questions. Lana has Lymphoma. Cancer. Further tests are being run tomorrow and we should know what stage cancer on Thursday. Fortunately Lymphoma is one of the most treatable cancers there is, especially when you are young . . .which she is.

It's been an emotional day. But now it is the end of the day and my tears are of gratitude for a sister-in-law who loves my brother better than anyone could, gratitude for her always sunny optimism through the numerous horrible trials they have endured together, gratitude for the exceptional life she continues to live - she loves and she works.

Faith casts out fear. I know that anything is possible through Christ. Six months from now we'll be remission partying.

Memorial Service

I finally got pictures from Ben of the memorial service they did for you at the hospital for some of the nurses that were not able to attend your memorial service at the church. Ben said they did a beautiful job. . wish I could have gone. This sweet staff continues to blow us away. Their love and support is immeasurable.

Goodbye from me.

On November 1st, the day before you passed I wrote this on my personal blog. It was a little fresh to share with the masses and I hope it is appropriate to share something so intimate. I was on of the few that got to say good bye and I think you heard me and understood.

Until this year I didn't really know the devastation that is cancer. I'd seen it from the sidelines, I imagined it, I caught glimpses of through cousins and friends who had lost loved ones and cried for them . . .but I didn't really KNOW.

There has not been a moment this past 10 months when our Ilana has not been on my mind... a cancer cloud hung over us. Watching Lans fight has been both inspiring and absolutely gut wrenching. We watched her get better before our eyes the first six months of the year and then just two months later a rapid, rapid decline. It has been a roller coaster ride of helplessness and hope. . . of stability and then steps backward, but so few steps forward.

Currently our girl is laying in a hospital bed sedated with an oxygen tube down her throat. She can't walk, she can't talk, she can't eat, she can't see much or at least correctly. We nearly lost her Sunday, they told us we had hours. . then again she stabilized.

I went yesterday and I chose to tell her everything I've wanted to tell her from the beginning that she didn't want to hear because she was going to be fine. . . through sobs and pauses to collect myself . . . always holding her hand. .

I love you . . . I love you. . .. I love you

I am so thankful you have come into my life

I am so happy to know and to love you and to be loved by you.

I don't understand why this is happening. .

And I hope somehow you can get better. ..

but if this disease has showed you anything, it's that we love you

we will be here for you and do anything for you...

we will love your boys, we will love and help Ben. . .I'll plan parties and buy school clothes

I'll blog about them as they grow and help Ben

I don't know what your beliefs are on the afterlife, but I believe that as Christ was

resurrected we will be. And your body will be strong again and you can run and hold your babies and do yoga again. I know I will see you again and that this life is not the end. . .

I want you home. . . but I just needed to let you know how much I love you and how thankful I am to know you. . .I love you forever

And then I cried and held her hand and listened to her breathe when she went back to sleep.

Ben came shortly after still determined to get her better. He so sweetly kissed her and spoke to her. He checked all her vitals and listened to her lungs. My heart broke even further as the doctor gently told him he was doing everything he could but didn't want to give false hope as our girl is as sick and weak as you can be. Ben still determined and unwilling to accept that she won't get better, gave her naturapathic medicine. His devotion and desperation show his intense love for Lans. She is his rock, his light and the greatest part of his life.

We are all better for knowing her.

White elephant

On New Years Day last year after we took family pics we got together for a white elephant gift exchange. I'll never forget your contribution to the festivities: A ginormous pair of granny panties. Rach was the lucky recipient of your prize and she has said she will never forget your roll-your-head-back laughter as she modeled them for us. Your leg was sore then, but life seemed pretty blissful otherwise - you were so enjoying being with family and enjoying some much needed time off from work.

Lans we miss your humor and infectious laughter and smile. I loved how you dropped movie lines to lighten the mood. You found comedy in everything. I remember you sitting there smiling and it's hard to believe looking at the picture that a light so bright could ever grow dim. Not to go all cheesy on your buns but "your candle burned out long before your legend ever did."

Messages from you. .

When you passed away Ben gave my parents your cell phone because they didn't have one. Lauren was teasing my dad about his "pink phone." And when we call we still hear your voice on the message. I called you by accident shortly after you passed and left you a crying message that I missed you and to call me back.

My dad came for lunch yesterday and I was looking at all your messages. It was fun to read your sweet messages. . I could hear you talking as I read them.

When you were in the hospital me and your mom would send pictures and videos of your boys because you ached for them. I think your response to this one was, "Ohh, I love that boy! And his autie isn't to be either! Muah!"

Andrew's first mac n cheese. video quality is poor.

There were so many text messages from your mom and Hillary and Jessica and the nurses that loved you. We'll have to find a way to get them off that phone and saved.

Love you Lans.

Big shoes to fill

Sweetest Lans,

My goodness you did it all. It's been just over two months since you left us and we are still trying to figure out how to live without you. There are so many of us trying to fill your shoes and it still doesn't seem to be enough. Ben and the boys have had their second round of the flu in 3 weeks this weekend. And your mom has had it. and my mom and dad. and my entire family. and Jonny's entire family. You add physical pain to emotional pain and it seems worse then before.

Your mom has organized a meeting for us on Friday night to discuss schedules, discipline for the boys, etc. I think it will be good to come together to discuss life moving forward. I worry about the mamas. They are so tired. Ben is so down. It's been a rough week Lans. . you are so needed. It's hard not to question why? when we are working so hard to figure out how to live without you.