Goodbye from me.

On November 1st, the day before you passed I wrote this on my personal blog. It was a little fresh to share with the masses and I hope it is appropriate to share something so intimate. I was on of the few that got to say good bye and I think you heard me and understood.

Until this year I didn't really know the devastation that is cancer. I'd seen it from the sidelines, I imagined it, I caught glimpses of through cousins and friends who had lost loved ones and cried for them . . .but I didn't really KNOW.

There has not been a moment this past 10 months when our Ilana has not been on my mind... a cancer cloud hung over us. Watching Lans fight has been both inspiring and absolutely gut wrenching. We watched her get better before our eyes the first six months of the year and then just two months later a rapid, rapid decline. It has been a roller coaster ride of helplessness and hope. . . of stability and then steps backward, but so few steps forward.

Currently our girl is laying in a hospital bed sedated with an oxygen tube down her throat. She can't walk, she can't talk, she can't eat, she can't see much or at least correctly. We nearly lost her Sunday, they told us we had hours. . then again she stabilized.

I went yesterday and I chose to tell her everything I've wanted to tell her from the beginning that she didn't want to hear because she was going to be fine. . . through sobs and pauses to collect myself . . . always holding her hand. .

I love you . . . I love you. . .. I love you

I am so thankful you have come into my life

I am so happy to know and to love you and to be loved by you.

I don't understand why this is happening. .

And I hope somehow you can get better. ..

but if this disease has showed you anything, it's that we love you

we will be here for you and do anything for you...

we will love your boys, we will love and help Ben. . .I'll plan parties and buy school clothes

I'll blog about them as they grow and help Ben

I don't know what your beliefs are on the afterlife, but I believe that as Christ was

resurrected we will be. And your body will be strong again and you can run and hold your babies and do yoga again. I know I will see you again and that this life is not the end. . .

I want you home. . . but I just needed to let you know how much I love you and how thankful I am to know you. . .I love you forever

And then I cried and held her hand and listened to her breathe when she went back to sleep.

Ben came shortly after still determined to get her better. He so sweetly kissed her and spoke to her. He checked all her vitals and listened to her lungs. My heart broke even further as the doctor gently told him he was doing everything he could but didn't want to give false hope as our girl is as sick and weak as you can be. Ben still determined and unwilling to accept that she won't get better, gave her naturapathic medicine. His devotion and desperation show his intense love for Lans. She is his rock, his light and the greatest part of his life.

We are all better for knowing her.