Memories of Ilana: by me (Becca)

Lans,

Ben asked if I would speak at your service on Thursday night. Friday was a blur or preparations and when I finally got home at midnight I sat in front of the computer for close to three hours. You know I don't usually lack for words, but sincerely nothing I could say would ever do you justice. . . I talked to Ben the next night about how with all the time I spent with you how I struggled to find memories that I felt defined you. It was never about what you did, it was about how I felt when I was with you. . . you made me feel wonderful, you inspire me, you love me, you made me laugh . .

So this is the best I could come up with. I love you.

We have lost an incredible presence in our lives and with that loss has come a flood of emotions. Last night I was at Ben and Ilana’s house and the journal she kept during her cancer treatment was on the counter. I just opened one page and my eyes saw this caption, “I’ve gotta say it’s been so nice having family around so much during all of this, I wouldn’t trade it for anything!” So today I choose to follow her lead and see the blessings in this tragedy.

We are grateful.. . . We are grateful that Lans came into my brothers life and showed him unbelievable love. Through trial after trial, Ilana stood by Ben and during some she carried him. She adored him. A friend wrote to Ben after her passing, “As wives, we all complain about our husbands. They don’t clean up after themselves, don’t do the right thing, say the right thing, basically…husbands can’t win! This was NEVER the case with Ilana. She always would sing your praises. She thought you were the most brilliant man she had ever met. She believed firmly that you were able to figure anything out and she always expressed how lucky she felt to have you.”

We are grateful Matthew and Andrew were blessed with the most amazing mom. She wanted them so much. She loved these boys and delighted in them. Lans would come to my house during chemo in those early treatments and one day she came and told me through laughter that when Ben was gardening, Matthew came up behind him looked down the back of Ben’s pants like mom’s check for a dirty diapers and said, “Stinky!” She laughed and when she laughed her nose would crinkle up. I am grateful Matthew has her same little nose wrinkles when he smiles. Her pain started just days after Andrew was born, she called Andrew her “Miracle baby” and even through her pain she could not get enough of that chubby delicious angel that has her face. I am grateful that she lives on through them. It pained Ilana to be away from them when she was in the hospital and I am grateful that now she can see them every day.

We are grateful for Ilana’s love for people. She looked for the good in everyone and always looked to help. Through her store she helped countless people who had felt the devastation of cancer. One co-worker emailed me, “My mom was one that was blessed by Ilana’s passion. She is a breast cancer survivor and had breast reconstruction. Ilana encouraged me to bring her to her family's shop and although she was a little hesitant, we came. Ilanas smile and warm heart made her feel welcome right away. Ilana helped her feel comfortable in her own body again.” When I visited Ilana in hospice she wrote on her white board that one of the doctors she had worked with came in and told her that she was one of the best nurses he had ever known and that if he was sick he would want her as his nurse. She was so touched by his words, but when I went to take a picture she quickly erased it because she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. When she was in extreme pain in the hospital, her loving mom decided she was going to talk to someone about it (Don’t mess with her baby). Ilana, still in great pain, said “mom, I’ll talk to the nurse. People respond better if you just talk to them kindly, I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.” Our saintly Pam looked at Ilana and said, “I’ll give her ONE chance!”

Perhaps most of all we are grateful for that undaunted positive attitude. A co-worker described her, “, “Ilana is like a bright light shining in the darkness. Wherever she is and whatever she is doing, she exudes this amazing positive energy that is so contagious, you can't help but to be happy too. It's her big eyes, beautiful smile, giddiness and sweetness. I've never heard her complain or whine …She always sees the silver lining in everything. She is the most selfless, caring and considerate person I have ever known.” Email after email mentioned how “her gorgeous smile” lit up the room. We love those gorgeous pearly whites she shared so freely and her laugh that was so unbelievably contagious. Perhaps her positive attitude was best shown when Ilana said to my mom, "You know what is so great about cancer?"

We are grateful that in her short life, Ilana showed us how to live life. We are grateful for the lives of Matthew and Andrew who will keep us smiling and going. We miss her, we ache for her. .. an ache we wouldn’t know if we hadn’t felt such tremendous love for and from her. Samual Butler Said, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all”.. Lans said it best “I wouldn’t trade it for anything!”