Birthday wishes. . .

Oh Lans. . .

We are fast approaching Mr. Andrew's 1st birthday on the seventh of December. While we cry for the loss of you, we, like you, are so thankful for this little man.

I remember talking about his birth with such eager anticipation. Life was going to be easier for you after he came, you would just be working as a nurse and a mom and you had six whole weeks off to enjoy this baby and family. Dreams were coming true. Never would we have imagined what the first year of this baby's life would bring.

taken January 1, 2011, Andrew three weeks old

2 days.. . 2 blissful days after he was born before your leg went numb and then went hyper sensitive and in pain . . then spread throughout your body. . . then diagnosis, treatment, more treatment. .

This picture is perhaps the very hardest picture for me to look at. This was just moments after you arrived home after your Stage four diagnosis. It was the worst day. You were sobbing in your bed when we brought this little guy in to you and somehow through your worry you smiled at him. It is hard knowing your worst fears came true. . you aren't here to raise and love these boys. It's all you wanted. We wish so badly we could have granted this wish for you.

You loved this baby so much. It is no secret that cancer can spread more rapidly when you are pregnant and yet, you never once questioned your decision to have this angel. You referred to him as your, "miracle baby" and your "angel baby." Throughout your entire treatment sweet little Andrew brought so much happiness. In those moments of fear, he'd look up at you with your same eyes and smile. He is just an absolute treasure and you said repeatedly that you were so thankful he came when he did and so thankful you had him.

I was holding him when you were diagnosed and when I got the call that you passed. What a privilege it is to hold him. . a piece of you and feel somehow that I am still helping you. We all feel that way about this special angel. Without question those boys are the best part of you. And like you, they are so easy to love.

From Holly Seeberger

Ilana and Ben were only in Norwalk CT (where we met) for a short time, but while they were there, they threw one "hell" of a Halloween party. The attached photo is from the party...Ilana and Ben looked adorable as the Flinstones!She was always smiling that 100-watt smile.

I remember her saying once that she not only loved her husband, but was still in love with him, and that she often had that giddy feeling when they were together.

Finally, Ilana is the reason that I am afraid of neither gyms nor weight machines. !

Amazing Grace . . .

Sweetest Lans,

Happy Thanksgiving. We missed you so very much. We had an absolutely beautiful day with your family and without question we were most thankful for your influence in our lives.

Jaimee and Jonny hosted the mostest as usual and it was beautiful and the food was delish!!

. . . especially your "green crap."

What a group huh?

After much munching and laughing and chatting . . we had a moment of silence as we listened to the beautiful music arranged and played by Aunt Christi in a duet with our cousin Matthew at your funeral. It was a beautiful moment where we cried and prayed in gratitude for your sweet short life.

Here is "Amazing Grace" . . by His amazing grace we were blessed with you for 33 whole remarkable years. Everyone should be so lucky.

Bubby

Just hearing from your Aunt Wendy made me think of your daddy and poor siblings. Earlier this year they lost their mama aka Bubby (Hebrew for grandma) and now their beloved daughter and niece. Such tremendous loss. . . You adored your Bubby and always talked about how you wanted to be like her when you grew old. Maybe Bubby just needed to hold one of her babies.

When you were diagnosed you would not allow anyone to tell Bubby because you didn't want her to worry because you knew it would kill her. When you went to see her if I remember right you told her "you just decided to shave your head again for fun like back in high school." Sweetest Lans, always worried about others... even when you are paralyzed in pain.

There are empty chairs at our tables but our hearts will always be full with love for you.

Aunt Wendy comes to visit!

Lans, your Aunt Wendy (daddy's sister) came to visit this past weekend and sent me a few great pics she snapped. Your mom said they had such a wonderful visit with them. She said your aunt Wendy said about your house, "I can feel [you] everywhere in here."

Your boys snuggling with their cousin Christopher (Sister Hilary's little cutie pants). Those are some lucky grandparents!

Christopher and Andrew

Nana and Andrew

You have such a wonderful family.

Green crap!

Hey baby cakes! Your mom sent me the recipe for your very favorite "green crap." I remember you telling me about it when we did Thanksgiving with your family a few years back. You were waiting with eager anticipation to dig in!

We are having Thanksgiving with your family again this year. And the "green crap" will be made in your honor. . forever.

So if you can get your spirit paws on some crushed pineapple or in case anyone else wants to eat this delish concoction in your honor.

Here it is:

2 20 oz cans crushed pineapple in it's own juice

1 small pkg of insant pistachio pudding

2 cups marshmallows

1 16 oz cool whip

pour the crushed pineapple (with the juice) in a medium mixing bowl. Add the pudding into the pineapple and stir until dissolved. Add the 2 cups of marshmallows and the cool whip. Chill for 2 hrs. (At Christmas I add red cherries on top for decoration) and that's it. Soooooo easy!

This bites!

Lans, If Matthew didn't have Ben's face I would swear you got busy with the mailman vampire. This little nut is still biting like crazy. I keep telling him, "Matthew, you're a lover not a biter!"

With a chomp chomp here. . and a chomp chomp there. . here a chomp. . there a chomp. . every kid on the block he's chomped! :)

Look at him here, going in for the kill right on top of you. . .Silly little Ma-who biting chubby little Aa-who

We're just asking for a little of your divine intervention. Please?! . I've been telling Ben not to sweat it. . I'm on my fourth toddler. This too shall pass.

Lans, You are everywhere and you are nowhere.

Everywhere we go there is a memory of you. . we can see your smile even though we can't . . . we can hear your laugh even though we can't . .. . .I can see you walking with Ben and the boys to the park but I can't ... .

I can't see you . . .

But I do . . .

the crinkle in your nose when you smile big. . .

your laugh. . . your heart . . your humor. . .

We feel you always present. . . .even though you're not.

Garage Sale Fundraiser.

Lans, best news ever!!!! Melanye had the fundraiser garage sale for the boys on Saturday and . . . wait for it . . wait for it. . .Ben cleaned out the garage!! I knew that would make you happy. :) He emptied the garage out for the sale and many, many others donated on behalf of your man and little men! It was a success I am sure! And Christmas came early when someone donated this bouncy house and Melanye insisted that Ben keep it for the boys. Matthew wouldn't get out :)! And they set aside some darling clothes for the boys too. They look perfect as can be, but I'm sure you've seen them so I'm preaching to the choir.
Thank you Melanye and crew for your AGAIN outrageous donation of time, means and love!!!

Love through loss. .

The day after you passed Ben looked like he had been hit by a truck. We knew you were sick, but I don't think Ben ever accepted the fact that he might lose you until he did. We tried to talk about funeral arrangements, etc. but he was clearly terrified about monetary means needed to provide for your boys as well as honoring you, funeral arrangements etc.

Brother-in-love Philly called and told Ben he would help with burial/cremation (Phil has always had a special place for you and Ben in his heart). Melanye and the parents helped price out different mortuary and funeral home options and our sweet Bishop Owens from our church agreed to not only conduct the memorial service, arrange a luncheon for family, set up at the church, type up and print programs but also came over late that night and created a program for the Memorial Service with our input and forwent a marathon he had committed to the morning of your service.

Our Aunt Chris wrote an arrangement of Amazing Grace for both the piano and the cello and she and our cousin Matthew Smith (concert cellist) gave the most moving performance. Volunteers from my ward prepared and served our lunch and so many of your nursing friends brought additional food for us as well. The memorial service was a beautiful tribute to you and to the 100's of people who have been there for you in life and in death. What seemed an impossible task the morning after, got done somehow with lots and lots of help and love.

Through this tremendous loss, a darkest hour, people have poured (DUMPED!) love on Ben and this family. Past trials had severely dampened his trust in people. . . his faith in people has been restored ten fold. We are so thankful for this outrageous outreach.

Ilana's Fine Fittings

On the Sunday before you passed a small family meeting was held. Closing your cancer store Fine Fittings was discussed. While your store has helped countless cancer patients, money made for time put in was questioned. Your mama (who works five days a week at the store and hasn't taken a pay check yet) said that the store more than ever was her mission for you. You worked so hard and gave so much to see its success and she wants to make it successful for you.

Ben told me after you passed, "These boys have already lost their mommy, I can't leave them for a job where I won't see them. I'll have to make it work."

They talked to Jonny (our little brother accountant) about changing the name of the store to Ilana's Fine Fittings. Ben said, "there is not a single inch of that store where I don't have a memory of her."

Jonny and Jaimee had your beautiful picture framed and matted for the store. Your gorgeous mug greets us each time we pass through the door.

So welcome to Ilana's Fine Fittings. . . WE ARE OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!!

Hot Legs

Jun 1992, Betty Johnson Route 66 recital

Cutest Lans, as I was looking at the pics Shyla sent I remembered back to when we were living in the same apartment complex when Ben was in med school. I remember you working out your legs because you thought they looked like chicken legs :). You said you used to get teased because they were so skinny. I remember thinking, "Nope, they just look perfect."

When you got sick and got so tiny you were again so grossed out by your skinny legs, but just so you know when we were dressing your cute little body for the viewing Ben said, "Oh mommy, you said your legs were gross. I think they are beautiful."

Seeing this picture kinda cleared up why you were a little sensitive ;). BTW, I still think they look perfect. . .

Pictures from childhood

Sweetest Lans, your BFF Shyla and her mom scanned these old photos of you. Shyla's mom Donna said she considered you a second daughter growing up as you two were inseparable.

2003 Shyla's baby shower. . and you dreaming you were pregnant too. :)

September 2000 at Shyla's wedding. . . love.

May 1997 High School graduation

1997 Universal Studios. . .Jim Carrey almost looks like Ben in this photo. . in Jim's dreams right?

1997 Universal Studios

1997 June San Diego, CA . . . is this the trip that you fixed the undercarriage of Shyla's car with a tampon?

June 1997 . . . . so begins our love affair with your bald head. :)

1995 Jan

1995 August, 1st day 11th grade! Suspenders are HOT!

October 1993 Freshman Homecoming dance

1993 Oct 31, Halloween cuties.

Summer 1991

June 1991

Shyla, sister Hilary and you at New Kids on the Block Concert August 1990

You have THE coolest moms ever!!!!!

Ben, Matthew, and family visiting Lans

Bryan sent this video over this morning from the viewing. Look at those sweet faces of your boys.

Memories of Ilana: by Ben as Becca remembers

Well Lans, it doesn't happen often but on a rare occasion a spouse will speak at a funeral. Ben wasn't sure if he would be composed enough to do it, but when it came down to it he couldn't let you go without saying something. He said he wished he had more time to prepare, but even with all the time in the world I don't think he could have said anything more beautiful.

I am sure I am missing things and the order is off, but this is how I remember it two weeks later. I sent it to Ben to look over . . . so I'll get it back and it will be perfect. . . in three months. ;) He is hanging in there . . . barely. He started journaling all his memories of you for your boys. Ben is so wonderful, I am so thankful to be his sister.

Here is what I remember (until I get Ben's revisions):

He talked about how he met you working at Mayo and how he would always look for you in the cafeteria because you were so cute and fun. Then after a lot of asking you finally agreed to your first date and you two just clicked- you were so positive and excepting and "I needed that". You both had had dates scheduled the next night nad both cancelled them without even talking to each other about it. And you were together every day since.

He said that every good memory he has is because of you. He was always so focused on meeting goals and getting things done that it was only because of you he stopped to enjoy and create lasting memories. And because of you he has your boys that will continue to make him stop and make him smile.

He said you always made him feel like he could do anything and made him feel that he inspired you. How he built the store for you so that you would be taken care of if something happened to him. . .and now your not here, but you've taken care of him. He said that you made him feel that he made you want to try new things and to improve. And how proud he was when you became a nurse.

He talked about when he was in residency and how competitive people were with each other. Within a short time you had started coffee dates and play groups.. you always had a way of breaking down barriers and bringing people together.

When Ben was in his residency and had two heart attacks and everything he had worked for his entire life was gone, you stood by him in his darkest hours and helped him through. He realized more than ever what a treasure he had in you as he didn't feel most spouses would not have stuck around.

He talked about how this cancer trial had restored his faith in people. I didn't know there were this many good people in this world. He said thank you. And that he said, "I feel blessed."

Boys

Lans, this all still feels like a dream. We feel like we are just waiting for you to come home from work or the hospital. How is it you are not here with us? You are so loved and needed.

We worked out a schedule with the boys. I will get them Monday and Wednesday, Ben and your mom will each take a Tuesday or Thursday and they will be with Jaimee on Friday. I told you the Monday before you passed that we would take care of them and love them. .. and we will forever.

Being with them brings both tremendous joy and ache. Andrew is your spitting image. Matthew has your smile and energy. They are so perfect and they keep us busy :). I see so much of you in them and it feels nice to have a piece of you with us on earth, but oh it is so tragic they won't get to feel your arms around them and know first hand how beautiful your laugh is. Ben said aching, "They had the best mommy."

They came to my Jacob's birthday party on Saturday. .

I had the boys when your mom called me to tell me you passed. Matthew was on a scooter at the time and zoomed past me while I sobbed and said, "Weeeeeeeeeee."
We had spagetti so we stripped them. You loved their little bodies.

Little Gem

Look what I rediscovered. . http://beilana.blogspot.com/ , your old abandoned blog. What a treasure. We miss you so terribly.

These girls have heart: Fundraiser

Lans one of my sweetest memories with you was at Hospice. Just days after your coworkers had the car wash fundraiser for you. I stopped by and showed you the pictures on my camera. I said to you, "This is the good side of cancer where you feel a tremendous outpouring of love. . not just the stuff that makes you sad and mad." As I thumbed through the pictures you sobbed silently (as your vocal cords were no longer functioning). I rested my head on yours and we cried together. It was the one time you allowed me to cry. . . out of gratitude.

These nurses and doctors must have known they were helping, but I don't know if they realize to what extent. While you and Ben were better prepared financially for a trial like this than most anyone I know, cancer is expensive and your income the main support. You and Ben should have been out of money three and half months ago. It was only because of the Thunderbird staff that your continued insurance was paid, your mortgage covered, you had food in your refrigerator and that your naturapathic treatment was received. From countless PTO hours donated, to lymphoma bracelets sold, to car washes, to checks written, daycare offered, meals brought in, assistance finding a mortuary, countless visits and calls, etc. . . .this. staff. has. heart. And you felt their love so deeply.

Melanye had scheduled another garage sale fundraiser for you before you passed and at the memorial service she said she was still having it for your boys.

Garage Sale Fundraiser

Saturday, November 19, 2011

13830 W. Crocus Dr.

Surprise, AZ 85379

If you have anything to donate please call 623-214-2152

Picking Lana up. . .

Ben called me this morning and said, "I can pick Lana up today." His words reminded me of when he would pick you up from Thunderbird after work and I can just picture the two of y0u driving down the road together.

I met Ben with the boys at the mortuary to pick up your ashes. The experience was about as it might have been if you were here. . Matthew was very two and Andrew a smiley chubby almost-one-year-old:) So it was perfect. We could have used your set of hands though.

Matthew remembered the mortuary and said he wanted to go in the chapel "to wake mommy up." I am glad he remembers the viewing. I know he doesn't understand it yet, but he will have that memory locked away until he does.

For the record I was doing all sorts of crazy stuff to get those boys smiling. . fart noises, hitting myself on the head, tickles, etc. . . even Ben could not resist my charm.

Your sweetest friend Melanye got this box for you and I think it is so beautiful and perfect for your personality. Ben thought having you with him would bring him comfort, I think it will too.

Your boys. . . They are going to be okay Lans.

Then Ben drove off with you in the passenger seat. . . I hope you had a nice time together.