I think I met Ilana twice. I was probably in my teens for both of those times.
The first time was when Ben brought her to meet the family, and I liked that we had a similar name. I thought she had a slender face, that she had serious eyes, but was always smiling as she looked out at people. She saw people all of the time. I figured out that what I saw in that face was joy. Not the out-of-your-mind giddiness that keeps you ignorant of life's realities for a season, and is therefore temporary, but the sure seriousness of someone who saw happiness in all around her, so she kept her eyes open. When she looked at you, you got a glimpse of your reality as she saw it: your goodness.
The next time I saw her was at Ben and Ilana's wedding. She wore one of Rachel or Becca's wedding dresses and looked great in it. Slender, again, but she wore the slenderness naturally, not as someone who didn't like their natural shape and was hoping to change it. She had her hair up and still her smile. Her eyes were more giddy that day, and her smile was more of just the step before laughing. She really loved Ben.
What I really remember about Ilana was how she fit into a family I always saw as kindof magical. My Aunt Betsy's kids are all a good 10 years older than me, and as a kid I'd come for visits and thought they were so cool. I remember Ben being so proud of how he was working out and show us his back flexing, Rachel is still the same when I see her, always laughing, Becca handling life as fun but matter of fact, and John, quiet enough that I didn't know how to read him. I don't see my cousins very often, but I thought Ilana fit as another of their kind. Deep, beautiful, and happy in a way that if you stood close, you could become a part of. I liked her because she made Ben really happy.
I know I must seem like I have no right to care about her, but the fact is that she is a part of my family. And as such she has my support.
To Ilana and the rest of the Smith family, with love,
Alana (Wendt) Tolley
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