1 year ago. . .

One year ago, on New Years day, we got together and took a Smith family photo. . . the first time in a few years all of us were together and it included all the new babies - our newest addition Mr. Andrew at three weeks old.

Your leg was hyper sensitive then and so you walked to the park in your slippers and I asked the photographer if you could drive back with him because you felt like you were walking on needles. We were clueless to cancer at that point, just thought it was a complication of the epidural.

It was cold and the sun was in our eyes but I am so thankful we had this picture taken with all of us. . no new additions since this was taken. Completely complete then. . .

Here are all the pics taken that day of your sweet little family.

You and your "miracle" baby.

Love.

Hi Mommy, Good thing I came along so everyone can still see your pretty face and remember your always happy disposition. Minus my chub, I am all you. . . a gift.

And look how pretty I am mommy. And I run so cute at the park. I chug my little arms and explore.

Still smiling mommy. . .

Me too, ME TOO

Crocodile tears. . sharing is not fun at all.

Eric Clapton/Tears in heaven

Lans, your daddy sent this song over. . "a song to help us heal" he said.

Mommy loves you.

Yesterday Matthew came up behind my Jacob and checked his pants for a poop and said, "stinky!" Ben was here and we half laughed and half ached at his comment because we remember when he did that the first time how you laughed that glorious laugh where you roll your head back. Oh we miss it.

We were reminiscing about how comical you thought his mispronunciation of "shirt" and "sock" were- making them sound like a few famous four letter words. You delighted in these boys.

We just keep hoping and praying they will always know of your love for them and feel it. I finally developed a large picture of you for my house and I grabbed it with Matthew the other day. He said, "Mommy ! Mommy's eyes, mommy's nose. . mommy's mouth. . mommy's face!" I told him that mommy got sick and went to heaven but that "mommy loves you". . over and over again through teary eyes, "Your mommy loves you so so much... she loves you."

I sat in the sun yesterday at the park with the boys and it was gorgeous. A tree had lost it's leaves and Matthew and his cousins were having so much fun throwing leaves and digging in the sand box. Andrew climbed to the top of the kiddo jungle gym all by himself. I couldn't help but think how much you would have loved this gorgeous weather and so enjoy watching these boys. They are so unbelievably wonderful. You should be here. Matthew sure hasn't forgotten you, I like to think that it is because you visit him often.

From Alana Wendt

Going through old emails and I came across this one that had gotten lost in the shuffle from my cousin Alana:

I think I met Ilana twice. I was probably in my teens for both of those times.

The first time was when Ben brought her to meet the family, and I liked that we had a similar name. I thought she had a slender face, that she had serious eyes, but was always smiling as she looked out at people. She saw people all of the time. I figured out that what I saw in that face was joy. Not the out-of-your-mind giddiness that keeps you ignorant of life's realities for a season, and is therefore temporary, but the sure seriousness of someone who saw happiness in all around her, so she kept her eyes open. When she looked at you, you got a glimpse of your reality as she saw it: your goodness.

The next time I saw her was at Ben and Ilana's wedding. She wore one of Rachel or Becca's wedding dresses and looked great in it. Slender, again, but she wore the slenderness naturally, not as someone who didn't like their natural shape and was hoping to change it. She had her hair up and still her smile. Her eyes were more giddy that day, and her smile was more of just the step before laughing. She really loved Ben.

What I really remember about Ilana was how she fit into a family I always saw as kindof magical. My Aunt Betsy's kids are all a good 10 years older than me, and as a kid I'd come for visits and thought they were so cool. I remember Ben being so proud of how he was working out and show us his back flexing, Rachel is still the same when I see her, always laughing, Becca handling life as fun but matter of fact, and John, quiet enough that I didn't know how to read him. I don't see my cousins very often, but I thought Ilana fit as another of their kind. Deep, beautiful, and happy in a way that if you stood close, you could become a part of. I liked her because she made Ben really happy.

I know I must seem like I have no right to care about her, but the fact is that she is a part of my family. And as such she has my support.

To Ilana and the rest of the Smith family, with love,

Alana (Wendt) Tolley

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas sweetest Lans,

Oh how I wish you were here with us in the flesh, but I know sincerely you are smiling down on us this holiday. Ben and the boys are surrounded with love this holiday. Those sweet nurses and doctors did it again. Ben came in to work and found a truck load of gifts for the boys under the tree. Both sets of grandparents were there this morning with the boys for the unwrapping session. I could hear the excitement in Ben's voice for the boys. He promised me LOTS of pictures.
Friday night we got together with the Smith family for our annual nativity. Matthew wasn't too keen on his wise man Burger King crown, but had a blast playing with his cousins afterward.

Look at your perfect boys.

They are both doing so well. Little Andrew is everywhere Lans- room to room crawling and smiling. I keep telling Ry Guy I'm going to steal him. Matthew is doing so well too. Ben has been really consistent with discipline ( i know we wondered it possible) and I think now that we are on a schedule he just seems to be thriving- less tantrums and biting and more adorable sweetness. Merry Christmas us!!!

After nativity and singing the boys hit you tube and the girls loved on your babies. We all feel such a love for and connection with your sweet babies.

Sis-in-laws holding Mr. Ma-who.

Love you Lans. . Merry Christmas.

Mommy knows best.

Lans, I got a kick out of this handy helper your mom put on the diaper bag for Ben. Those mamas are sure helping Ben and the boys out.

I got a little teary driving down the road yesterday thinking about you. I remember when you were first diagnosed and were in so much pain you told me that you had raised your voice at Matthew when he was doing something he wasn't supposed to - probably sticking his finger in a light socket. You said, "I just don't want to be that way with them. I don't want them to remember me like this. I just love them so much." You were like your mama continues to be for those sweet boys. You were such a good mommy.

Happy birthday Ben!

Lans, yesterday we celebrated Ben's birthday. I wrote in his card that after this year I am certain he feels 100, but I believe strongly that his best years are ahead of him and not behind him. I am sure you were there when he blew out his candles also hoping all his wishes will come true. . .knowing that his greatest wish, to have you back in the flesh, is not meant to be. No one loves him as well as you do, but we tried to make his day special yesterday.

Your cutie mom made the most ridiculous cake you've ever seen or eaten - including chocolate cake, chocolate syrup, sweetened condensed milk, caramel, whip cream and heath bars. Unbelievable. And we had a small party for him at the store and then my parents took all your boys out to eat last night. I hope he felt the love because we most certainly love him.

Your little boys were ice cream head to toe and were painting the store with chocolate.

Making work fun!

After you passed away a few nurses had left comments about wet paint hand prints and stapler removers! I had to ask Ben for the clarification.

So apparently when you were on the clock a doc asked you for a stapler remover. He was a little surprised with you came back with paper staple remover and not the medical staple remover! Ha! Ben said you were so embarrassed but laughed it off! So darn cute Lans.

Then apparently one day at work there was a wall where the paint looked so new and shiny. You said to yourself as you touched it, "Wow that wall looks almost like it was just painted." And it was indeed just painted! Ha! Ben thinks you might have even seen a "wet paint" sign after the fact. You are so adorable.

Attached is a pic with your coworker Marcie Knight put on your wall with the caption:

"Ilana: amazing, funny, happy, smiling, positive, helpful, caring, loving, compassionate, courageous."

Christmas cuties!

Ben and your parents joined us at an event at our church that was just awesome yesterday. They had live nativity with animals to pet, hot chocolate and sopapillas, choirs, huge collection of nativity sets on display, free family pics and a cute journey through Bethlehem for the kiddos. We had a great time. Your mom said, "Ilana would have LOVED this!"

When Ben and the boys were having their picture taken I told the lady "just daddy and the boys." She kept asking, "Are you sure just daddy and the boys?" almost like she didn't understand. I don't really understand why it's just daddy and the boys either, but while it seems a little incomplete the picture is still beautiful. Miss you always.

Look at this heartbreaker!! This kid is gorgeous!





Matthew loved the animals. He fed the donkeys and held the chickens. . and by held I mean that he near squoze it's head off. Ha! Silly little cuties!

Cousins!!

Your mom took Matthew and Andrew for a few days last weekend. Your mom says she misses the chaos of having everyone together and absolutely had a blast with the boys and Hillary last weekend. Hillary sent this cutie picture over.

Little Andrew LOVES bathing these days - joining his bro in this love. He splashes like crazy and gets so darn excited!

Pictures from your sis

I've had a fun time talking with your sis on Facebook a bit. Hillary is so darn wonderful.

I remember you telling me about how cancer had made the two of you closer. You were so touched by her multiple visits and daily phone calls on your behalf. I remember when you were finally feeling well enough that you went to the mall with her and your mom. You were so happy to get out of the house. You loved playing with Hillary an your sweet little nephew Christopher. You mentioned to me a couple of times how much you enjoyed that.

Hillary sent a few pictures over -

the top pic is of you and her Christopher. You were pregs with Matthew at the time.