I was talking to my mom about you this last weekend about how much we love you. I heard a story once where a Sunday school teacher asked the class [most likely to teach the class about repentance or the atonement] "who in here is perfect?" A husband stood up and said, "I'm standing proxy for my wife's first husband who died."

I know so often we immortalize people when the pass on and try to focus on their great qualities. The crazy thing about you is that we ALWAYS thought you were an angel. There was rarely a visit with Ben where we didn't tell him that "he scored." Not once where I thought you could give more or love harder than you were. Always inspiring, always loving, always improving, always working hard. You truly were just THAT special... and we always knew it.

Thanks for teaching us in your short life how to live. If we come here to learn something, then it is no wonder your life was short. My dad said it best, "attributes people spend a life time trying to develop, Lana came with." Not a day goes by Lans that I don't miss you so much.

Boys will be boys. .

Lans I love having your little ones over. My Jacob aka J-Bo lights up when he hears the knock at the door and he and Matthew are peas and carrots. I'm in heaven in a sea full of ankle-biting boys. . .except when they all decide to poop before 9:30am to which I exclaim, "You have met your quota for the day. NO MORE POOPS" They think it is funny when I say "poop" of course and giggle like crazy.
The boys were sick for what seemed like months. . . but I haven't wiped a nose yet this morning. YIPEEEEE. .

I made chili for dinner last week and came outside to discover my Jacob and Aaron with Matthew flinging it all over the trampoline and roaring with laughter. Stinkers.

Andrew hasn't caught on to saying "CHeeese" yet, he just likes to eat it.
They are doing well Lans. They are happy and well fed and a delight to all of us. After lunch I said to Andew, "Allll done." He said, "All done" several times in a row. Go AN-JUICE. And I was wrong about the eight teeth- he had some molars hiding in back - 11 teeth on this sweet baby.

Walking. . Almost

Lans, I took the boys to McDo's this morning. Mr. Andrew started pushing / walking this highchair all over the restaurant. I said to my friend, "She should be here. . ." and then started crying. What fun company I am huh? It's hard not to miss you when I see these little boys hitting new milestones without you. You would be so excited and so proud of them. He's almost walking Lans. . . hard to believe he couldn't sit up when you went in the hospital.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
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And he's babbling his mama's and dada's. Crawling everywhere. He has 8 teeth now and is off of bottles too. And he's still perfect, that much has not changed.

From your mama

I got this email from your mom today. . .

Hi Becca! I was so missing Ilana the other day just after I had dropped the boys off at your house. Just then I heard a song on the radio that Ilana and I both loved by Tim McGraw. The song is "Live like you were dying". He wrote this song when his father, baseball player Tug McGraw, was dying from lung cancer. In the chorus it goes like this:

He said
"I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying"

Ilana's physicians never gave her the option to "live like you were dying" because they knew dying wasn't an option to her and she wouldn't accept that.

However Ilana always lived her life like the song says.

She was daring to sky dive and mountain climb, etc (like when she auditioned for MTV's "Road Rules" at the age of 19 and was in the top 10 candidates. They did all kinds of crazy stunts. I was so happy when she didn't get chosen!

She loved deeper......always had empathy for the other person and put them first before herself.

Spoke sweeter....she was always sweet even when she didn't feel like it! She also had a gift of being a great mediator in solving problems between other people.

Forgiveness was an unspoken trait of hers......it was just a part of her who she was and she never had to be reminded of it.

Just think how much richer our lives would be if we just incorporated these few simple traits as part of our daily life.

I love you lots!

Pam

as always, MOM IS RIGHT

Christmas love. . .

People told me over and over again to love on Ben and the boys during the holidays. . because the holidays are the toughest. And your passing right before the festivities were to begin. . . You and Ben had big plans to go and get a live tree this year.

Apparently every one else got the memo to love on your boys . . . there was an outpouring of love on your man and little men this year. Ben was near speechless when he came into the store to find a truckload of gifts under the store tree. Grandparents were there Christmas morning to smile and laugh and delight in your little angels. And they were spoiled. They were happy.

Your chubby lump on his little lump with wheels and Matthew loving his new scooter.

bikes, cars, trains, art sets, trucks, clothes, pjs, shoes. . . .these boys are set.

I am sure you were watching with eager anticipation with that gorgeous watermelon smile as they opened each present with screeches of delight. You did everything you could to stay with them and I have to believe you are still with them . . comforting them and loving them.

When you were still at Del Webb before you lost your ability to talk I had asked you what you wanted to get the boys for Christmas. You were pretty practical and said they needed some winter clothes but said you wanted them to have a few stuffed animals. As per your instruction I found them a small Elmo and Cookie monster. Ben gave them to the babies Christmas Day . . .the last gift their mommy picked out for them.

I hope you had fun at the big birthday party too. . Merry Christmas my girl.

Daddy love

Just thinking about you. . . and everyone who adored you.

Jaimee had told me that she talked to your dad just after his birthday. We had just received that horrible news that modern medicine had given up and they were sending you to Hospice. Your sweet daddy took this news so unbelievably hard. He came to visit you shortly after on his birthday. You scribbled on your white board, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD" . His heart melted. He told Jaimee, "there is nothing worth celebrating." But you my dear knew better. . even in pain, your life hanging by a thread you wanted your daddy to know his life was worth celebrating.

He told me the story later wiping tears from his eyes. My goodness we miss you. Every day. . 1000 times a day.

Seeking Help

Rachel asked on your FB account, "Hey Lans, how are things on cloud 9? We miss you on cloud 7."

It's true. While it is finally settling in that you really aren't coming home, we still just miss you so very much. We are getting into routines and Ben is adjusting to life as a single parent. He called me on the way over to drop the boys off elated with his latest morning accomplishment, "I put the boys in the bath first thing and feed them in the bath. The kitchen stays clean, it saves time, they eat better and get their bath. Then all the food just dumps down the drain when I take my shower."

And as always those boys LOVE their daddy. They come with little red rashes on their necks and checks from where Ben has nuzzled and smooched them with his prickly beard.

I am so thankful he has those boys to keep him going and spirits up. Ben is hoping to find someone to move in to help in the evenings and for company - preferably the non-crazy type. Here is what he has in mind:

He has two extra rooms and is hoping to exchange free room and board for extra help in the evenings with the boys and cleaning. Person could easily work a full time job or go to school and could have a child or two.

So Lans, work your magic if you can and send us an angel or if someone reading is interested or has a friend- spread the word.

I remember in May when I came to take candid pics of you guys I found Matthew like this. . .

Ben would help him get messy and you would clean him up.

Ben told me when you were in sick, "You know before Lana was sick I was actually really clean. Ever since she got sick I've just been so messy." Soooo funny. You really had us all fooled that we were awesome, but it was easy to reach high when we were standing on your shoulders.