Visiting Time

Ben has described Lans as his rock and has told me that all day long he could be stressed and sick with worry, but just being with her sets him at peace. Pam told me that when she hasn't been able to see her for a few hours she just feels this indescribable pull to get to her. I have been feeling that same magnetic pull, I needed to see her. . . I ached for a visit.

Ilana had her tracheotomy just a few hours before I showed up. I am sad I didn't have a chance to see her this weekend when we could have talked a bit . . . hopefully soon. But as much as I missed hearing her voice, seeing her little chest move up and down after hearing of her struggle to breathe yesterday brought me such peace.

I came up right after shift change when visitors were once again allowed to come at 8:00pm and I'm so glad I did because she needed a voice. Her stomach was churning because she wasn't able to eat before she went to the ER, she needed her eye patch, she wanted to know who was coming to be with her and she needed help getting comfortable. I tracked down the nurse and he put in the order. He told us that while her stomach aches for food, her body was getting nutrition through her IV.

Her paralysis is shifting. Yesterday her left side was experiencing the paralysis, last night the right side was worse with the left side causing her a little less grief. So it's not Bells Palsy, perhaps something neurological or maybe it's getting better. With her eyes giving her troubles and no voice, our girl would attempt our reading her lips. If that didn't work, she would try her best to write a note. My favorite was during my phone conversation with Pam, "WHEN ARE YOU COMING?!!!!!" - making a point to underline it four times.

The mother- daughter bond they share is beyond special. When Pam arrived she went straight to our girl and stroked her face and hair, "I'm here Ilana, I'm here my baby girl." Lans just grabbed her hand and leaned her head on her mama with a restored peace.

Radiant as ever . . wires, patches, tubes. .. doesn't matter. Sincerely I saw her and she took my breath away. She is just absolutely gorgeous. It's hard to see our former Yoga goddess, with bulging biceps, a puppet to so many machines but her inner strength continues to inspire.

I love holding her hand, an unspoken "I love you."