An-drew

Lans, your sweet little boys has been repeating his own name over and over. It is precious and he says it perfectly too! "An-drew, An-drew, An-drew" Darling!!!

And he says Dog-gy!

I've been slacking.

A sweet memory of you came to mind and I had to write it down. Your physical fitness was no secret, I'll never forget when you flexed your biceps for me and my jaw dropped to the floor. Your biceps were serious bulging rocks. You took care of yourself - somewhere in between being full time mom and working full time as a nurse and full time at the store you managed to get ripped.

I remember when you got sick how hard it was not to be able to exercise. As soon as your lymphoma was under control (right about this time last year) you would take the boys on walks or ride your bike - anything you could.

I remember just about a week before you passed, you lying in your hospice bed, still determined to get better. You couldn't talk, couldn't walk, couldn't swallow. Your hands were not quite strong enough to pull the cap off of your marker so Ben helped you after he explained to me your grip wasn't strong enough to do it yourself. The first thing you wrote, "I've really been slacking on my PT (physical therapy)." I looked at you and said, "Yeah Lans, you are a real slacker. I as just thinking the same thing." Such a fighter Lans. I miss you.

What's a boy gotta do?

What's a boy gotta do to get some food around here?

Oh Lans. . .I blew it. Your remarkably sweet friend Jessica Walters sent me this message in her efforts to honor you. This move has left me physically exhausted and mentally unsound I'm afraid and I missed posting this sooner. I'm sure you were watching her and were so touched. Sorry to Jessica and all who would have liked to be there. Many thanks.

Hi Rebecca, I am sorry I didn't get this to you sooner. I was really hoping to have set up a Relay for Life team in honor of Ilana. I am now doing travel nursing and was unable to make that commitment. The Relay for Life in Surprise will be at the end of this month. I am planning to still attend in honor of her and a few other close people that I have know to have cancer. Relay for Life Starts 3/31 at 10 am. It is an event that will last through the night. The theme of it is that Cancer never sleeps. The money raised from the whole even is distributed back into the community toward programs for research or testing for patients that have cancer. I am still hoping in the future to create a team in honor of Ilana. I was hoping you would be able to send a message to any of her family and friends to let them know about this. Thanks for all you do in honor of Ilana. I hope it's not too late to get this message out. Thanks again, Jessica

Trouble

I hadn't watched your little Andrew for a week due to our move. . . it's amazing what a week can bring. TROUBLE. Your little monster is mobile lady! And curious! And determined. We had close to 100 near death experiences yesterday. Our new home has stairs and I don't have a baby gate yet. Some how this little monster maneuvered his chubby bod through about 20 different blockades. :] He also enjoyed slamming my computer keyboard up against the wall and had a fun time dancing on the edge of my patio table outside. Yikes.

Not to be outdone, Mr. Maa- who also wanted to "help" and was kind enough to unload a bottle of windex on my computer and dump nails all over my living room. Isn't he a sweetie?

I love your boys. They are keeping us busy, but they are so innocent in their crazy. They are so special Lans.

Moving on

Sweet Lans, we got a house after a long, long year and a half of looking. And we are thrilled for this new opportunity. But I must admit I have had moments of deep sadness over leaving a home that you were in with me. And even more, crazy sadness over selling my old worn out sectional.. . because when you were going through chemo you would come over and lay on it, and sleep on it, and hold Andrew on it, and watch and smile at Matthew from it, and laugh with me, and watch movies with me on it. And you laughed hysterically during white elephant gift exchange on this couch.

I talked to your mom after New Years day and she said how hard it was starting a new year without you and how rough that day was for her.

And it's hard when I meet new people and they don't know you. I could talk for hours about you, but they will never know what they could have learned and felt if they were with you for a few short minutes.

Each milestone met. . . each goal achieved . . . comes with just a bit of sorrow that you aren't here by our side. Perhaps though you are by our side . . just not in the flesh.