Dear Lans,
It has been one year since we lost you. . . and man it’s
been a year. I’ll never forget the
moment I got the call from your mom that sent me sobbing to my knees, crippled
with sadness. I have missed you every day,
every hour, every minute. . . . for
months a cloud hung over me. How could I
laugh when you weren’t here? How could I
be happy when your boys lost their mom, the best mom? How could I plan and hope for my future when
my brother’s world was flipped upside down. . when your ONLY hope was to see
your boys grow?
I’ll never forget when we dressed your body for the viewing
how inexplicably happy we felt . . we felt YOU with us and I was thankful that
you were free from your broken body. While
I was glad your suffering was over, I completely lacked understanding. Why were you taken? Why so young?
I knew you were there. I’d felt your sweet presence, but were you alright? For months I prayed and prayed and prayed. .
and what I have felt time and time again is peace. I am overwhelmingly sure of our Heavenly
Father’s love for you. He knows you. He loves you. I know you are okay. . . While
my understandings still lacks and my heart still aches for you, through prayer
I was/am able to find peace. It is truly a gift from God that I am thankful
for every day.
And it was a peace I needed as I watched a hollow Ben try to
do it on his own and truthfully it wasn’t going well. It was a peace I needed as I watched your
beautiful house that you worked so hard for look like a war zone. A peace I needed when Andrew took his first
steps and you weren't there. A peace I
needed when I watched your teary daddy as he sent you a balloon for your
birthday. A peace I needed when I
watched Ben sobbing on Mother’s day that he and your boys had lost everything
when they lost you. As long as you were
happy and loved I knew we would get through it down here.
As you know Ben started dating Marina
and I will be the first to admit that his moving on has come with every emotion
imaginable. But I am overwhelmingly
grateful for her presence in our lives.
She has brought balance, structure and warmth back in the life of your
boys. I can’t imagine as you look down
that you could hope for more for them in your absence. . I hope it brings you
peace that we are alright and that it is ok for you to smile and be happy and
have the same peace I feel knowing you are loved up there.
I will forever be grateful for the blessing you have been in
my life. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. . ohh, I ache for it. I miss your wit. I miss your humor. I miss your nose scrunching up when you
laugh. I miss your ridiculously strong
biceps. I miss your honesty. I miss your love. I miss how you would always look for the good
in everyone. I miss your kindness. I miss your simple pure dreams. I miss your priorities. I miss you behind the counter at your
store. I miss you telling Matthew, “You’re
such a guteness!!” I miss you quoting
movie lines. I miss your ability to
laugh at yourself. I miss your example
of how a wife should see the good in her husband. I miss your devotion. I miss your work ethic. I miss your chicken legs. I miss that you would burn your spaghetti. I miss eating fruit. I miss your organization. I miss your nail polished toes. I miss going to Target with you. I miss your head on your moms shoulder. I miss watching funny movies with you. I miss your cute bald head. I miss your ability to see blessings in
trials. I miss your optimism. I can’t think of one little thing about you
that I don’t miss.
I will love you forever and ever. . until we meet again.
Love,
Becca
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