Happy turkey day!!

Your parents joined the Smith family again for turkey day!  Aren't we so lucky?!  How blessed you would have felt to have been surrounded by TWO families!  Last year this time we were lost without you . . . a big gray cloud hung over us as we sobbed to the recording of my cousin and Aunt playing Amazing Grace at your memorial service.

I think this year can best be described by this quote, 

"The loss of a friend is like that of a limb; time may heal the anguish of the wound, but the loss cannot be repaired." - Robert Southey

While life has continued . . . even with moments of hope and brightness there will always be in us a deep longing for you and ache for your loss. 

 I actually spent most of the day with my in-laws but had to drop in to see the Smith and Brown party as well.  I arrived to song!  My mom had the whole pad singing Christmas songs :)  It was lovely. . did you know your old man can sing?!

 The cutest little musician!

 Marina had all your boys looking snazzy!  She's taking good care of them!

 nana Snuggles

 Your good looking parents :)

 This Mr. Andrew is a baller mama!!  Your gentle giant baller!!  And daddy and his mini-me. :)

I hope you are having fun up there.   Being with your boys and parents always makes me feel closer to you. . I think you watch over them closely.   

One Year

Your sweet parents were kind enough to invite us over to their house on Sunday, close to the anniversary of your passing.  For months Ben didn't want to take your clothes out of drawers or closets because then he would feel even more alone.  But the time came to go through your things.  Your sweet parents were kind enough to include us in this process. 

 Lots of delish food and always the best company!!

 Your sweeties playing on grandma's pirate ship bunk beds!

And then the fun began. . . first up your prom dress and high school prom picture.

 Even then you were sporting a cutie bald head . . . by choice not by chemo :)

 An Juice was especially helpful with grandma Betsy.

 You wore this cute pink dress when you graduated from nursing school.

 Tiffy made these cute shirts.  We couldn't find your favorite one that said, "LIFE" and was green.  You wore it all the time . . probably somewhere around Ben's house.

 You wore this little black dress with your red gorgeous scarf to see AZ Broadway theater.  I thought it was for your ten year anniversary, but your mom said it was for your birthday.  

 Bubby gave this fun sequin dress to you. . . I don' think you had a chance to wear it.  Your mom got a kick out of it.  I bet you and Bubby had fun watching our exchanges on that one.

 You wore this cute pants suit on your honeymoon to the Poconos.  

 One of your favorite skirts.

 Aunt Joanie and Wendy came too!  Wendy took this sweet baby girl outfit home. . your cousin Jessica wore it first before it was handed down to you.  Bubby made it.

 Your mom's friend and Leukemia survivor was there for the fun and tears.  I am so thankful that her cancer is currently under control. . . so thankful Diane is enjoying health.

 You wore this dress to talk to the doctor when your pain started coming back again . .  .

 Jaimee and I enjoyed a few tears and memories over clothes we bought with you and for you.  Jaimee got you this cute hat.

 Your mommy had been trying to figure out your head scarf for a few days apparently  . she thought maybe it was a fancy tube top.  You wore this to Rachel's wedding with my cute black and white striped dress. .  we were going to put it on you for the viewing to go with it, but we loved your spiky hair.

 We all took turns reading a few pages from your journal.  I got through one page and it made me so teary.

 Surprise, surprise. . Lans has some silver leather pants!  Your mom got a kick out of this ensemble we couldn't imagine you wearing either of.  My friend Andrea had given these pants to me 10 years ago and I passed them on to you.  It is funny you had them in the closet all those years.

 Your daddy and his sweet loving sisters. . . he wore his shirt just for you.

 And grandma and sweet Marina, who was so kind to come and honor your memory.

 It is always so bitter sweet to think of you. . . how is it possibly we can smile and cry all at the same time every time I think about you? Sunday was no exception.  You amaze Lans.

A note from your sis-in-law Jaimee

Ilana

I read this poem this morning and have been teary ever since

I thought of you today, but that is nothing knew.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part.
God has you in his arms. I have you in my heart.

It was a year ago yesterday my sweet sister in law Ilana passed away. Lan's you are always in my heart. I cry because I am selfish. I miss your smiles. I miss seeing you throw your head back and laugh every time Matthew would dance or really do anything at all. I miss seeing you hold Andrew and seeing the tender love of a mother as you would hug him. No matter how much pain you were in that last year you were at peace when you held your boys. I was so convinced you were going to be okay that I can't believe you are gone. I say that but at the same time I have never felt the presence of anyone so often and so strong. I know I can't hug you but I feel you so often. I am sure that God knows your heart and he sees that smile we all miss so much and he says, "go and visit your boys today." In true Lana fashion you jump at the chance. You always took every opportunity and enjoyed every moment. I don't know what to say other than I miss you. I love you. I am glad that your pain  is gone but I am sad I only have pictures and not the original. I know that God has you in his arms but I was overwhelmingly blessed to have you in my life a short while so you could forever be in my heart. Always remembering and loving you Lans. God be with you (and me) till we meet again.

My letter to you. . .

Dear Lans,

It has been one year since we lost you. . . and man it’s been a year.  I’ll never forget the moment I got the call from your mom that sent me sobbing to my knees, crippled with sadness.  I have missed you every day, every hour, every minute. . . .  for months a cloud hung over me.  How could I laugh when you weren’t here?  How could I be happy when your boys lost their mom, the best mom?  How could I plan and hope for my future when my brother’s world was flipped upside down. . when your ONLY hope was to see your boys grow? 

I’ll never forget when we dressed your body for the viewing how inexplicably happy we felt . . we felt YOU with us and I was thankful that you were free from your broken body.  While I was glad your suffering was over, I completely lacked understanding.  Why were you taken?  Why so young?  I knew you were there. I’d felt your sweet presence, but were you alright?  For months I prayed and prayed and prayed. . and what I have felt time and time again is peace.  I am overwhelmingly sure of our Heavenly Father’s love for you. He knows you. He loves you. I know you are okay. . . While my understandings still lacks and my heart still aches for you, through prayer I was/am able to find peace.   It is truly a gift from God that I am thankful for every day. 

And it was a peace I needed as I watched a hollow Ben try to do it on his own and truthfully it wasn’t going well.  It was a peace I needed as I watched your beautiful house that you worked so hard for look like a war zone.  A peace I needed when Andrew took his first steps and you weren't there.  A peace I needed when I watched your teary daddy as he sent you a balloon for your birthday.  A peace I needed when I watched Ben sobbing on Mother’s day that he and your boys had lost everything when they lost you.  As long as you were happy and loved I knew we would get through it down here. 

As you know Ben started dating Marina and I will be the first to admit that his moving on has come with every emotion imaginable.  But I am overwhelmingly grateful for her presence in our lives.  She has brought balance, structure and warmth back in the life of your boys.  I can’t imagine as you look down that you could hope for more for them in your absence. . I hope it brings you peace that we are alright and that it is ok for you to smile and be happy and have the same peace I feel knowing you are loved up there. 

I will forever be grateful for the blessing you have been in my life.  I miss your smile.  I miss your laugh. . ohh, I ache for it.  I miss your wit.  I miss your humor.  I miss your nose scrunching up when you laugh.  I miss your ridiculously strong biceps.  I miss your honesty.  I miss your love.  I miss how you would always look for the good in everyone.  I miss your kindness.  I miss your simple pure dreams.  I miss your priorities.  I miss you behind the counter at your store.  I miss you telling Matthew, “You’re such a guteness!!”  I miss you quoting movie lines.  I miss your ability to laugh at yourself.  I miss your example of how a wife should see the good in her husband.  I miss your devotion.  I miss your work ethic.  I miss your chicken legs.  I miss that you would burn your spaghetti.  I miss eating fruit.  I miss your organization.  I miss your nail polished toes.  I miss going to Target with you.  I miss your head on your moms shoulder.  I miss watching funny movies with you.  I miss your cute bald head.  I miss your ability to see blessings in trials.  I miss your optimism.  I can’t think of one little thing about you that I don’t miss. 

I will love you forever and ever. . until we meet again.

Love,

Becca