From Your Daddy: Ilana's sweet memory

Lans I recieved this sweet note this morning from your number one dad: 

That day I saw Ilana for the last time and I felt as though the world was ending.  I had lost all faith at that time before she passed and shortly after.  I felt like I could not even breathe until all the family started to show up.  As we all gathered together around Ilana I slowly started to feel some of my faith returning to my being.  We all told and exchanged stores about her as we laughed and cried.  As long as I live, I will never forget that day and I will always remember Ilana and have her with me in my heart.


You took this picture of your sweet daddy when your fam "pitched in" to get Fine Fittings open. You and your daddy sure loved being together. . .  he was always there to help you out in everything you did and in every way you needed.  

Missing you . . .

This week will mark the year of your passing.  As we revisit holiday traditions (Halloween parties, etc.), it is so easy to remember this time last year . . those last tortured days that were painful but a gift for us as well. . just to hear you breathe and feel your hand in ours just a little bit longer.  It is remarkable to me, though the signs seem so clear looking back, that we had so much hope that if we worked harder and prayed longer that maybe we could heal you.  And now it is faith that I rely on when I can't make sense of it and when the sadness sets in.  These last few weeks have been harder than usual for all of us.

Last Halloween we took your boys to a little church party  and then trick or treating with cousins. . . while you laid in a hospice bed miserably fighting so that you could take them this year.  

I am confident you are smiling down on them this year Lans, free from your broken body. . . . sometimes I am selfish and wish I could have just a few more minutes to hold your hand and hear you breathe. Maybe all that suffering was for us so we would get to a point when our desire for you to be free was greater than our need to keep you at any cost.

Birthdays for two favorites!!

Lans, you hung on to wish your daddy happy birthday last year . . .but this year your family gathered to spoil him and your darling nephew Christopher without you for the first time.

Aunt Wendy was kind enough to forward me pictures from their afternoon of fun with your babies and I'm using her fun captions as I wasn't there to witness the awesomeness on my own.  Your Auntie takes some beautiful photos!

"Hi Becca! This is one of the photos I am sending from the party for Christopher and Arnie on Saturday, October 20th, at Anthem Community Park."

"Here are Christopher and Matthew eyeing the birthday cake! Yummy!  Hillary and Christopher baked a most delicious cake!"

 "Wow, a very happy Christopher hugging friend, Natalie!"

 "A photo of Matthew on the train. Adorable!"

  "Hillary was a lovely hostess at Christopher's and Arnie's party!"

 "Here's a shot of Nana and Andrew, with Papa Arnie, Aunt Joni, and Matthew, in background, aboard the train!" 

 You have such a remarkable family Lans. They carry you with them everywhere they go.  :)

Preschool and daycare!

Marina has been watching the boys this last month but last week started a new full time job she is loving!  When we thought Ben had secured a nanny for what we thought was a year, I quickly filled that time up with many other things and so Ben and Marina were looking for childcare.  I am thrilled to tell you Lans that they are going to Miss Cynthia - who is a great friend of mine for almost a decade.  She is one of the most patient, kind, capable women I know.  I can not express enough how thankful I am that she had room for them!!  Sharing these boys with strangers this last year has been hard as we didn't know them or their patterns personally.  In addition to daycare Cynthia does preschool so they get that exposure as well -  Cynthia had my Christopher reading before Kindergarten when he went to her for preschool!  Ben said the boys love going there and don't want to leave their friends when it is time to go home :).

Marina, while excited to go back to work, was a bit sad to leave your little cuties each day!  She has Matthew potty trained at last after numerous attempts by numerous people.  She has them sleeping soundly in their own beds at night (Matthew has his very own race car bed mama).  She has brought structure back to their lives!  She is quite fond of them!

Ben stays home with them on Friday.  My mom told me she told Ben that she wanted him to play with the boys.  Ben told her he wasn't very good at that.  Her classic response, "Well you are going to be!  I'm going to call you between 1:00 and 2:30 and if you aren't at the park I'm going to be upset.  It is important for you to play with these boys!"  Awesome.

Things are good Lans.  You must be at peace up there watching them in such capable hands after such a tumultuous few years.  It's funny though, with all the change they have been through, they have remained so unbelievably happy.  They have your inner peace and positive attitude Lans.  You must be so proud!!!


These pics and their captions are from Marina:
"that's how daddy watches the babies. ..lol"

 "Little fashionista!!!! look at his shoes . . . .hahaha"

I had actually deleted these photos on accident and Marina sent them over again - she said she keeps them on her phone so she can brag how cute her boys are :)  She wrote me this note as well:

"I hope I can be a great mother for my little ones and they would never feel that they are not getting enough love.  Thank you for believing in me and my abilities to give all my boys a family feeling, and make your brother happy again.  I hope Ilana is watching over and she is happy for her boys.  I know I would never replace their mom, and I do not want that. . all I want for them to have is a happy childhood and a loving home and I will do my best to give that to them.  But I will do everything in my power to keep the memory of their mom forever."

Notes to you. . .

A few notes I have seen to you on good old facebook lately:  Gone but never forgotten!!

Rachel Smith Hoffman Lans, I know you probably see your boys more often than I get to...but I have to tell you, they seem to be doing well. I love how happy Mathew is and Andrew is your mini me and is the most content child...I adore them. Although your Surprise home is different now, I still feel you there. Miss you always.

Stacy Bailey

I had a dream last night. It started out the same as I have had before. Two little boys, identical twins, my Brett and Ryan. They look just like my John William, light blond hair, fair skin, grey eyes. They are wearing white polo shirts and blue shorts, no shoes. They are running in a field of green grass flying kites. I know they are safe and happy.
Last night, you were with them...smiling and laughing. I woke up crying. After a while, the irony of the situation occurred to me. My two boys, taken from me. You taken from your two boys. While life is so not fair my friend, I must admit it gave me a small measure of comfort to think you had somehow found them and they are not alone. If you are with them, please tell them I love them and give them lots of hugs until I can see them again. I know they could not be in better hands. I love you.

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  Suzy Valencia U just brought tears to my eyes! I'm sure she is watching over ur boys

  September 23 at 7:06am via mobile · Like · 1
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  Mike Ferski Suzy, you just said how I feel also. I miss Ilana soo much. Such a beautiful person.

Ashleigh Beatty Rn

I miss u ... U and ur big smile

Rebecca Smith Moore to Arnie Brown

Arnie, our girl has been heavy on my mind this morning. . . I wish she was here to give you a big hug . . . last year she barely had the energy to write on her white board "Happy birthday dad." Surely this year she is doing cartwheels in heaven for you. I wonder if she will find some way to wish you a happy birthday today! Maybe she'll give you a little extra breath to blow out all those candles!! ;) She'll always be the wind beneath your wings! Happy birthday Dad from another daughter born to a different mother. . I'll love you forever.

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  Arnie Brown Becca, thank you so much, I think Ilana is giving me much needed inner strength, we all know she had an abundance of that. Much love, Arnie

Jaimee Graham Smith

Sitting in my car. George strait blaring on the radio singing Low Places, one kid screaming, the other 2 playing the loudest game of Marco polo I have ever heard. I break down in tears. Even after almost 1 year Lana's memory can still break through in the most chaotic of times. Missing you a lot lately Lans.

Rebecca Smith Moore

Missing you today on your daddy's birthday . . crying the kind of tears that make your throat hurt. I love you Lans, always and forever.

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  Rachel Smith Hoffman ...I love sisters.

  October 16 at 8:09am · Like
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  Jaimee Graham Smith Missing her too! It is hard to think about what we were doing 1 year ago around this time. Lana I miss you and think about you all the time. I know what Becca means my chest aches when I take time to remember all the reasons I miss and love you. I take those moments often! You are still very much loved down here.

Pieces of you

I must admit one of my favorite things about Marina is her desire to help preserve you.  She has gone to great lengths to get your voicemail message recorded to preserve your sweet voice.  She has compiled all your cards and pictures she has found for you and of you. She has talked to me about doing a scrap book for the boys as well.  

My mom found a great chest that she brought to your mom where they hope to compile all important Ilana things for your boys.  I had one little request . . if I could keep the pretty scarf you wore in this picture.

When you were feeling a little better and would visit with me, you would ask if we could go to Target - so thrilled to be out of bed and hobbling through a real store - and Target, the best store ever!!  You loved wearing scarves and when I saw you admire this one but say, "I probably shouldn't spend the money" I made you put it in the cart.  Then when I took pictures of  your sweet family you wore it again.

Marina brought it to me on Sunday . . and I slept with that pretty striped thing. . wondering if that yummy smell was yours. . and remembering it wrapped around your pretty little bald head.  It is comforting to have something tangible of yours to hold. I miss going to Target with you.  I love you.

Visits and updates

Marina brought the boys over for a visit last Friday.  I've gotta say Lans, I like her. . a lot.  There have been so many changes in the last six months since Ben started seeing Marina.  Two nannies have come and gone.  Marina and her boys moved in and we were very surprised when Ben told us a few months ago that Marina was expecting a baby - it was planned and they were thrilled.  Honestly, we were terrified for those boys and for Ben.  Everything happened so quickly. . . a storm of change.  Questions, worry, doubt. . and truthfully even a little anger were all emotions all who love you were feeling.  

I am happy to say that those concerns and worries have subsided for each of us as we spend more time with her and see how much peace, love and order she has brought in the life of your boys.  In EVERY way they are soo much better off than they were six months ago.  Your home more beautiful, your boys better cared for, Ben smiling again and getting to work ON TIME,  balance, structure, PEACE. .. 

I guess you can say that Marina has calmed the storm. 

And she has loved your boys.  And her boys are remarkable, brilliant and good. . .she knows how to raise good men.  . . and I'm confident that when baby comes if it is a girl she will raise her right as well. 

Fun with cousins :)