Rachel's wedding, 1 year ago

One year ago (last weekend) Rachel and Bryan got hitched.  You wanted so badly to go even though it was during your chemo week - you were worried to leave Phoenix but wanted to go so badly.  You felt pretty good the majority of the trip. Rachel said that she can distinctly remember you sitting on her bed in San Diego before her wedding proudly talking about your 10 year anniversary to Ben which was within days of her wedding date.   

 I could look at pics of you all day Lans.  Your gorgeous smile, big eyes, sculpted jaw - you are just stunning- hard to believe you could like this after 5 rounds of chemo. 

From you

Erin sent me pics of the boys playing, but as I went through my picture mail to download them finally I found this. . . 

from you.  On May 17, 2011 you sent me this picture of your chocolate covered Matthew on a Target shopping trip.  You delighted in these sweet boys - found pleasure in the chocolate faces and daily tasks with them.  About this time last year you received a clean pet scan and we thought we were done for a while.  You were so happy to be feeling better in took every chance you could to get back to life as normal even though your health wasn't back to normal - walks to the park, making dinner, etc.  You loved it.  And you LOVE your boys!!!

Water babies

It is almost inevitable that your babies will get wet. . somehow, someway they will get to that hose and splash the day away.  Not surprising. . it took Matthew about 30 seconds to get from my front door to the backyard to find these water spraying sticks.  

You remember of course . ..

 Some things haven't changed. .. just you aren't here to clean him up.  Miss you.

Anniversary

Yesterday would have been your 11th wedding anniversary.  Last year for your anniversary you two went to the AZ Broadway theater for dinner and a show.  You were so excited.  You wore your favorite red scarf and bought a little black dress. You were slightly panicked about spending the money to go but were so glad you did.  

I remember you hoping to go on a cruise with Ben if you went into remission.  I wish so badly I had made that happen for you in that brief month we thought you were cancer free.

My mom took the boys this weekend so hopefully Ben was ok alone with his thoughts of you on your special day.  Miss you forever Lans.  Happy Anniversary - I believe you will one day celebrate again together.

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers day Lans!!!

We wish so badly that you were here to celebrate yesterday. Because truthfully, yesterday was hard. . . it was at times excruciatingly sad.   We all hurt, but it is your boys we think of.  It seems so unfair that they don't get to feel your loving arms.   I am certain you are there for them and I hope they will feel your presence throughout their lives.  

 They are perfection.

It is hard to believe that just a little less than a year ago I took these pictures.  

 Of the mama and her mama. .

 And this .. . .

Ben was so teary last night missing you.  Those big sad chocolate eyes break my heart.  He aches for you  Lans...  You completed him and he talked repeatedly of "so much loss."  I hate seeing him in so much pain. .. I wish I could fix it.  But if our grief is a measure of the love we felt, then maybe our tears are tribute to you. .. If so, we are paying quite the tribute.   Miss you Lans- hope you and Bubby had a great celebration.  

Lans I looked for you on facebook today.  Your profile has been removed. . probably due to inactivity.  It may seem silly, but I loved having the digital you still active and alive - I loved looking at your pictures and seeing notes from those who loved you and miss you as much as I do.

I so rare I have to put this kiddo in time out these days. . .and it's a good thing, because this sad defeated face near killed me.  Heart breaker.

Lans your little man will run to my piano as soon as he gets to my house.  He loves making music!!  And when he gets tired of playing the piano he starts climbing it.  Look how big those hands are!!  He is such a big cute boy!!!

New home!!

Lans we were so determined to get you better- you and Ben wouldn't even entertain thoughts that you would be leaving.  So when you passed away those questions we weren't willing or able to ask finally surfaced.  Life insurance?  Keeping the store open?  Is their social security? Does Ben get to keep the house as it was in your name?  Etc.  

As those answers came and they were better than expected Ben said in disbelief, "I did everything I could to try to build a future for Lana in case something happened to me.  And now she is gone, and in her short life she is the one who continues taking care of me."  

There was a little more life insurance than expected, he does get some social security - he will be able to be there for your boys...because of you.    And as you know Ben will make the most with it.  

Your house is in probate and Ben continues to live there and loves it because you were there, but he was able to close on a home yesterday which he will rent out (and move into if needs be) and it will hopefully generate extra income for he and the boys.  

And the store continues to be more and more profitable.  Ben was so happy yesterday after the home closing and a great promotion at the store.  It was the first time I has seen him this happy in a very, very long time.   

It feels good to know that your efforts and sacrifices with the store and your heavy work schedule were not in vain.  Your influence is still felt and appreciated every day.   So if know someone that wants to rent a great - 4 bedroom plus den home, Ben's got one!!!  Rach and Bryan are coming next week to help gut this cutie- it is in much need of a little paint and tlc.  

Mr. Ma-who.

Oh Lans, I am so grateful for you.  This week has brought so many good things for your little family.  And it is mostly due to your hard work and love.   

These sweet boys are growing sweeter by the moment.  When you passed away and a little before Matthew was just struggling. . . biting, fits, crying, hitting, etc.  At one point I had suggested to Ben that he should try my gym for a little daddy time.  While Ben was touring the place, Matthew bit two or three kids and was suspended from the gym for two weeks.  Ugg. . talk about your all time back fire. Ben looked so defeated and overwhelmed as he tried his hand at single parenting.   

I think a lot of it was Matthews age, maybe it was that life for a while was so unpredictable when you were sick. . maybe he understood more about your death than we thought.  

Regardless, those days are gone.  This little angel has turned into the most magnificent little man!!  He is mild and helpful and tender.  He listens and he loves.  He is an absolute delight.  Ben went from worrying to bursting with pride.  Andrew is just as perfect and chewable as you probably remember - he's into things, capable and curious of making mischief but soooo, soooo sweet.  

 My older kids yelled from the back yard, "MOM, QUICK! LOOK AT ANDREW!"  I sprinted our of fear he was on the edge of the patio table dancing again, but what I found was this cute little lounger.  They were yelling with urgency because they didn't want me to miss how adorable he was!